Absolutely Serious    

Recently we had a chance to sit down with Rudy Giuliani and discuss his plans for the country, if elected president.

Absolutely Serious: Rudy, you’ve already been crowned the “President of 9/11” by The Onion. How do you view your tenure as President of 9/11 and what are your successes?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, a lot of people joke about that, but it’s no laughing matter. In fact it’s absolutely serious!

AS: Oh stop.

RG: I jest! See, I do have a sense of humor. People think I’m all ‘terrorism, Al-Qaeda, and killing Iraqi children.’ I enjoy those things but I have a sensitive side too.

AS: All jokes aside, what will the President of 9/11 have in store for the country if he’s elected President of the free world?

RG: Well terrorism is a big deal. To paraphrase Anakin from Star Wars, I hate terrorism. It’s rough, coarse, and irritating. It gets everywhere.

AS: You’re a movie buff too! I didn’t realize your personality was so dynamic. Tell me about your fiscal policy.

RG: Fiscal policy is important. Taxes are bad. The federal government is a bloated mess. We spend billions of dollars on agencies like the DEA, the FCC, and Social Security. That money could be better spent on homeland security, stun guns, and wiretaps. Also, there’s a new agency I want to create.

AS: Juicy. Go on.

RG: I’ve been bouncing ideas around with my staff and I think we’re going to call it the Rudy Giuliani Agency for Muslim Extermination.

AS: The RGAME. That has a nice ring to it. Just the extermination of Muslims or do you envision a broader scope for your legacy project?

RG: Muslims and anyone who disagrees with me. Authority is important and so is obedience. If you’re going to disagree with me then you’re probably a terrorist too, or even a Muslim, so we’re going to have to exterminate you.

AS: Just playing devil’s advocate here, but won’t there be constitutional issues?

RG: I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, but we’re working on that. The post-9/11 world isn’t necessarily a hospitable environment for a constitutional democracy. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

AS: You mentioned the DEA earlier. Aren’t drugs a tool of terrorists?

RG: Of course they are. Anyone who’s seen the PSAs knows that. But we’ve learned a lot from the Russians and the Germans. I would create a secret police force to deal with drug terrorists and the like.

AS: Is it hot in here or is it just you! Ok, tell me about your stance on net neutrality.

RG: The internet is a breeding ground for terrorists, so it can’t be neutral. The Chinese are really on the forefront of internet security and there’s a lot we could learn from them. We’re going to shut down access to anything terrorism related, or anyone that questions The Rudy.

AS: The Rudy. That’s new, I haven’t heard that before.

RG: Every great leader needs an authoritarian nickname. Referring to myself in the third person puts me on a pedestal of glory.

AS: Like George Costanza?

RG: If you compare me to Costanza again, I’ll have the secret police kill you.

AS: Ha, ok. We’re running low on time. Let’s play word association. Farm policy.

RG: 9/11.

AS: NAFTA.

RG: Terrorism.

AS: Free trade.

RG: 9/11.

AS: Hillary Clinton.

RG: Terrorism.

AS: Global warming.

RG: 9/11.

AS: The Wedding Crashers.

RG: 9/11.

AS: Pearl Jam.

RG: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11. Everything changed after 9/11. And if you disagree, then you’re a terrorist. Vote for The Rudy in 2008 and you’ll never have to vote again.

AS: Thanks for your time The Rudy.