Absolutely Serious    

WILDERNESS, SD—A New York couple’s quest to live a completely ‘green’ lifestyle has come to an end. Chris and Suzy Zelton, a married couple from Manhattan moved to the South Dakota wilderness in a bid to show people that it’s possible to lead a “zero footprint” life, a lifestyle where their actions would have a minimal impact on the Earth’s environmental and natural resources.

Critics of the couple have described their endeavor as “quixotic,” citing the danger of living without such luxuries as modern medicine and food production techniques. The dire warnings of the danger were realized when the couple was found crawling alongside a remote service road in the backwoods of South Dakota, searching for help. They were taken to a local hospital where they are currently recovering from various infections and a lack of food.

“The first few days we were fine” said Chris. “But then things started to go bad” added Suzy. “We were living off the land, just like Native Americans once did, foraging for nuts and berries to survive.” Things took a turn for the worse about a week into their experiment, when Chris ate a poisonous berry. “I vomited for three days straight.”

With Chris unable to help with the gathering of food and maintenance of the camp, Suzy was forced to do all the work until she slipped on a rock and sprained her ankle. “It was awful, really awful” said Suzy. “We were both immobilized, Chris hadn’t eaten in days, and I was getting hungry too.” Unable to forage for food, the couple decided to give up their adventure and crawl back to modern society. They trekked 23 miles through the woods when a cut on Suzy’s hand became infected.

Doctors at the hospital were confident that the two would survive, but Suzy’s hand will “most likely have to be amputated.”

All in all, it was a positive experience, according to Chris. “We were much closer to nature for those two weeks in the woods, and we did a great service to mother nature. For two weeks we caused zero environmental damage.”

Suzy remained optimistic about the future of zero-footprint living. “Did I think we were going to die? Sure, but it was for the environment. We would definitely do it again, assuming we recover.”

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