Absolutely Serious    

1. Stay active and energized. Really energized. In life there are no shortcuts to a more active lifestyle, but in West Baltimore there is cocaine. Snort, smoke, or shoot the good stuff whenever you feel down. This will keep your spirits high and increase your energy for a more active lifestyle.

2. Don’t overeat. The best way to not overeat is to not have any money. The best way to not have any money is to not work. Instead of working, shoot heroine. You can purchase your daily dose from one of the many pharmaceutical salesmen stationed on the corners of West Baltimore. Heroine will curb your appetite for food. Unfortunately, it will also curb your desire to do anything. When energy is low, see number one.

3. Exercise is an important part of any weight loss plan. Walking is a great way to burn calories but can lead to boredom. Try to incorporate a game into your walking plan, like scrounging for scrap metal. This way, you can make money while exercising.

4. Get your heart rate up. Running on a treadmill is tedious and there are no treadmills in West Baltimore. Instead, run from the cops. You can attract the attention of police by stealing (you need money anyway). If you’re lucky enough to be black, you may not need to do anything—just stand around on the street and the cops will be after you soon enough.

5. Enjoy the great outdoors and get plenty of sunlight. West Baltimore may not be great, but it is outdoors. Sleep outside in alleys. Get sunlight while indoors by living in a burnt-out shell without a roof.

6. Don’t give up. The West Baltimore Diet is guaranteed to make you lose weight in just three months, but results will not be immediate. If you can stick to the plan after three months, you will find yourself addicted to the West Baltimore lifestyle. Enjoy your new body and your new lifestyle!

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