Absolutely Serious    

BALTIMORE, MD—The battle for the coolest neighborhood in Baltimore turned bloody this weekend when a Federal Hill resident shot and killed a Canton man during a dispute over which neighborhood is “cooler.” According to witnesses, the two men, John Taylor and Russ Simpson, had been enjoying Miller Lite together at Max’s on Broadway, a bar chosen for its location in Fell’s Point, a neutral neighborhood.

A source close to John and Russ said that they chose the location for the evening’s festivities because despite their differences, they always agreed that Fell’s Point “sucked big time” and that the girls were “nasty.” Megan Etling, a woman close to both parties involved in the dispute, said that relations between John and Russ had been strained ever since they graduated together from the University of Maryland at College Park, and moved to opposing Baltimore neighborhoods in 2006.

Apparently tensions arose again on Saturday night, when John, who lived in Federal Hill, insinuated that “Federal Hill girls are way way hotter than Canton girls.” “That really pissed Russ off” said Etling, who declined to disclose her neighborhood for fear of reprisal. “He said that at least the girls in Canton weren’t a bunch of sorority sluts, and anyway Federal Hill is practically ‘the ghetto.’”

At that point, Russ shouted “whatever, dick!” and stormed out of the bar. “We had no idea where he went but he was really pissed” said Megan. Thirty minutes later, around midnight, Russ returned to the bar with a gun and shot John in the chest, killing him. Police found the suspect an hour later at his favorite bar, Ropewalk Tavern in Federal Hill. He was drinking a Miller Lite alone in the corner when police arrived and arrested him.