Absolutely Serious    

BALTIMORE, MD—Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon announced Saturday morning that the new Baltimore Chief of Police will be Mr. Natty Boh. The announcement ends a months-long search for a city police commissioner and marks Dixon’s first major move as Mayor.

Mr. Boh, whose popularity has skyrocketed in recent years, will take over an embattled police force that has been the subject of recent controversy over its frequent violence against city residents. “Mr. Boh has had his eye on the city for quite some time now” Dixon told reporters at a City Hall news conference. “We felt that it was time for him to come down from his perch and do more to serve the city that loves him.”

Critics have questioned whether Mr. Boh, whose only work experience involves the promotion of National Bohemian beer, will be able to curb Baltimore’s astronomical murder rate.

“Let’s be honest, not matter who the commissioner is, 90% of Baltimore will be a violent hellhole. Might as well have someone jolly that beer-drinkers can relate to” opined Joe Smith, a lifelong Baltimore resident.

Mr. Boh was unavailable for comment.