By now you’ve seen America’s amazing success in Iraq and Afghanistan and you’ve probably thought to yourself: “wow, the world is so much safer now, how did we do it?”
And more importantly, you want to know how you can incorporate the same principles of success (known as “the Bush Doctrine”) into your own life. Well now you can, in seven easy steps!
The official guide to making your neighborhood safe with the Bush Doctrine, presented by AbsolutelySerious.com:
1. Identify the rogue neighbor. Did someone on your street make a recent gun purchase? Could that gun potentially kill you and your family? Has that person ever given you the evil eye or a similarly threatening gesture? If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, then you have a rogue neighbor. We’ll call him “Mr. Jones.”
2. Gather intelligence. Use your kids as spies. Have them play with the neighbor’s kids under the pretense of having fun, then make them report any suspicious behavior to you. If they fail to find evidence that Mr. Jones is planning to kill you, don’t worry–this step isn’t too important.
3. Announce the threat. Bring a bullhorn to the neighborhood picnic and tell everyone that the Jones’ have a gun and are planning to kill you. If Mr. Jones approaches you at this point, do not speak with him. If you negotiate, you are a coward.
4. Build a coalition of allies. To carry out your mission, you’ll need friends with firepower and moral authority. People who refuse to help you are cowards. Don’t worry, this step isn’t important either; kids with water guns will suffice.
5. Mount a PR campaign. At this point, other people in your community will begin to wonder about your intentions and perhaps even accuse you of preparing for some violent and poorly-planned mission. These people are cowards and should be identified as such, publicly. Get out your bullhorn again and get to work.
6. Invade. Assemble your coalition, surround Mr. Jones’ house, and break down the doors. Kill Mr. Jones and any adults in the house. Killing children is OK, as long as it’s an accident. Collateral damage is inevitable. Remember, they would grow up to be terrorists anyway.
7. Victory! Congratulations, you have successfully eliminated your neighborhood threat! Move in, the house is now yours. Do not feel pressure to find the weapons that caused the invasion. If anyone tries to remove you from the house, label them a terrorist and kill them or lock them in the basement. If anyone questions your motivations, accuse them of supporting terrorists.