Absolutely Serious    

WASHINGTON, DC—Speaking at a press conference today, President Bush issued an ultimatum to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, warning him that failure to shut down the Iranian nuclear program will result it serious consequences, including a deployment of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, also known as FEMA.

A pentagon spokesman said that the U.S. military is reconsidering the role of FEMA in disaster recovery, noting that FEMA was more effective at creating disasters than actually helping anyone.

If sent to Iran, FEMA’s mission would be to harass local citizens, disrupt supply chains, block entry and exit to major cities, prevent private aid groups from helping the wounded, and engage in assorted havoc wreaking activities.

“It’s well known that our policy is to leave all options on the table. Many people thought that we meant tactical nuclear strikes. Well, we have something far more deadly and disruptive” Bush told reporters on the White House lawn.

President Bush declined to discuss details of the plan on Thursday, but a military analyst close to the administration believe that a FEMA attack would likely mean an invasion by thousands of well-intentioned bureaucrats, crippling Iran’s infrastructure within days.

Ahmadinejad’s response to the Bush administration was televised Friday morning on Al Jazeera. “We are not afraid of your meddlesome invaders. Also, the holocaust never happened. Death to America!”

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