Absolutely Serious    

CHICAGO—Outlining her campaign platform today at a news conference in Chicago, a confident Hillary Clinton unveiled her plan for “single-payer everything.” Clinton, who is running for a bid as the Democratic presidential candidate in 2008, promises to enact her bold scheme of “free everything,” if elected president in 2008.

Under the plan, Americans wouldn’t have to pay for anything because the government would pay for everything. “We looked at health care and thought, why stop there? Why not just give everything out for free?” opined her chief economic adviser, Paul Krugman.

“The free market is broken” the Senator from New York told a crowd of supporters and journalists. “But government can fix it. People are sick and tired of paying for things while greedy corporations are raking in the profits.”

While Clinton wouldn’t reveal any of the specifics of her plan, some have suggested that the system would involve a card that when presented at a store, would give you access to anything you wanted.

While many in the audience applauded, some skeptics questioned the plan. “Everything? Even pretzels? What about ice cream?” asked one confused Clinton supporter. “Yes,” the former first lady replied. “Everything will be free. Even pretzels and ice cream.”

“But what happens when stores run out of free stuff?” questioned a reporter.

The crowd cheered when Clinton responded. “I have faith in the resilience and ingenuity of Americans. We’re all in this together.”

An anonymous campaign spokesman was confident that if “things don’t work out as planned, we’ll just blame it on the Jews and the Mexicans.”

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