Latest Headlines

Bush warns Iran: Become a Functioning Democracy Immediately or Prepare to be Forced into Freedom

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush today responded to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s visit to Columbia University by issuing yet another ultimatum to Iran: become free immediately or we’ll do it for you. “And I have a feeling you won’t like our version of freedom” Bush added.

When questioned about his announcement, Bush cited the overwhelming success of the U.S. invasion of Iraq in 2003, saying “freedom’s on the move. Freedom likes to be free. It likes to move around and go new places. Funny thing about freedom, it’s always gettin’ restless.” A Bush aide who requested anonymity told AS.com that “we don’t even try to figure out what he’s saying these days. He just sorta babbles nonsense and then the next thing you know, we’re invading a new country.”

To protest Ahemenijad’s speech at Columbia University, hundreds took to the streets in New York, chanting “who’s your Ahmadinedaddy?”, a variation on a chant delivered by Yankee fans to Boston pitcher Pedro Martinez during the 2004 ALCS.

More Headlines

Baltimore

Canton Man Traumatized by Night Out in Mt. Vernon

The West Baltimore Diet: 6 Ways to Lose Weight and Energize Your Life Today

Canton vs. Federal Hill Debate Leads to Bloodshed

Politics

Exclusive Interview with Rudy Giuliani

Troops Happy to Fight Pointless War as Long as Americans have Ribbons, Flags on Cars

Bush Declines to Seek Third Term

World

Bush warns Iran: Become a Functioning Democracy Immediately or Prepare to be Forced into Freedom

Mexico Passes Landmark Immigration Reform

Cameron Diaz Offends Nation of Peru Once Again with Purse Made from Hollowed-out Indian Head

Business

Google Acquires France

Science & Technology

Couple’s Bid to Live Completely ‘Green’ life ends in Starvation, Disease

Study: 97% of Blogs Completely Unreadable

Features

Exclusive Interview with Rudy Giuliani

The West Baltimore Diet: 6 Ways to Lose Weight and Energize Your Life Today

Special Report: Using the Bush Doctrine to Make Your Local Neighborhood Safe